“Proverbs, Parables, & Ponderings”
Our finite minds can never fully comprehend the effects of sin on God’s Perfect Creation. How many of us figured out the Rubex Cube? (Without removing the stickers.) So how can we expect to grasp the infinite? Where would we start, since there’s no beginning and no end?
“A Godly, Christian Way”
Our lives are not about us. No matter how much we may want to be, we are not the Main Character in our own stories. History is His Story. Jesus is the Main Character. At best, we’re the wacky neighbor.
But don’t be like Mrs. Kravitz on “Bewitched”, just peering through the blinds and screeching, “Hey Abner!”
“Thank God I’m Not God”
Does being a writer give me a God complex? I saith unto thee no, but I doth wish thou shalt have no other writers before me; and thou shalt not take my name in vain. Ten percent of thine income would be nifty too. But other than that, as long as thine checks clear, what do I care?
“The Water-Walking Shuffle”
For far too long, I’ve felt let down by my faith. I thought for sure I would walk on water by now. I tried walking across Lake Hollingsworth and nearly drowned as the water went up to twenty feet over my head. However, at one point I started to rise and rejoiced to think I had gotten the hang of it, but no, I had just strolled across a sandbar. Then, having met Mr. Alligator, I quickly abandoned the effort and took up the exciting sport of speed-swimming.
Walking on water -- is that so much to ask? Some lakes are so polluted now it’s hard not to. You dive in; and it takes five minutes to sink! But unfortunately, my acts of faith served only to remind of my baptism. Has religion failed me? Or am I approaching this endeavor from the wrong perspective? Maybe I should start off with a few running steps from the shore and then see what happens.
“Divinity Is Hard!”
Of the few people who do thank You, most of them are just buttering you up, before they rattle off their wish list. “Thank You; Bless You; now gimme, gimme, gimme!”
Rarely, if ever, a sincere and heartfelt: “Hey Supreme Being, how’s Your day?”
“How’s the Lord of All business going?”
“What can I do for You?”
“The Dissected Body of Christ”
So Lutherans may be one of the hands on the body of Christ, but LCMS Lutherans are just one of His fingers.
Hopefully one of the good ones. (If you know what I mean.)
“Second Baptist Church”
I don’t ask for much.
I want to live a life that’s right and pleasing to God.
I want to be Rebecca St. James’ trophy husband.
And I want a Baptist Church to be forthright and say, “Look. We’re not the first!”
“God’s Biggest Mistake”
When given a choice of where you want to spend eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking, why argue with someone who chooses Smoking?
Some people prefer warmer climates.
“Too Lazy to Feed the Lions”
We’ll get to Heaven and hear how Christians from other countries were martyred for their faith. And we’ll be like “The cable once went out for an entire weekend!”
“The Mediocre Samaritan”
Driving down the dusty rod to Jericho, the Mediocre Samaritan came across a Wounded Man who had been beaten and robbed.
Seeing the Mediocre Samaritan, the Wounded Man moaned, “Do you have any bandages?”
The Mediocre Samaritan glanced in his glove compartment and shrugged. “Nawww. I got a Wet-Nap!”
“What Would Jesus Do?”
I needed some advice so I went to my pastor; and he said, “It’s always good to stop and ask: What Would Jesus Do?”
Hmm, what would Jesus do?
“Fast Food Royalty”
“The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” and shows like that are popular. But I don’t think love and marriage should be treated as prizes on a game show.
“Sometimes I Pray with a British Accent”
Does anyone else pray in British?
I mean, besides British people.
Maybe that’s how Lutherans speak in tongues.
“How to Sanctify Unsavory Songs”
Have you ever had a song get stuck in your head?
If not, you’ve never been to Disney.
“Facebook Fun”
If Jesus had a Facebook page, He’d friend each and every one of us.
“You’re a Christian What?!”
Sure, it sounds wrong. But the TV preacher told me as long as I tithe I can pretty much do whatever I want.
“Breakfast Cereals of the Bible
and the People Who Love Them”
Adam & Eve -- Apple Jacks, Apple Zings, Fruit Harvest, or Bear Naked.
“Satan’s Cereals”
On a deeper, more personal level, we find ourselves tortured by the fact that we age and cannot recapture the joy and enthusiasm of youth. Can any crueler phrase exist in all of breakfastdom than?: “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.”
“Repossessed”
Actually, it wasn’t a herd of swine so much as it was a ham and cheese sandwich. If you’ve never seen a ham and cheese sandwich possessed by demons, you’re really missing out. The bread flops up and down; the cheese sizzles; and the lettuce, tomato, and mayo fly around the diner. And the ham! The ham dances around, does the Moonwalk, and speaks in an eerie, hideous voice that continuously asks, “What?! No onions? What?! No onions?”
“Forward Phobia: Evil Emails”
And what about those supposedly Christian evil emails that are just as bad? They say things like “If you love Jesus. And if you don’t want to suffer in Hell for all eternity, forward this email right away.”
What did people forward to save their souls before the Internet?
“Who Was the Greatest Comedian in the Bible?”
Special thanks to my friend and former fellow ImprovAddict (an improv comedy troupe) performer Mike Cotton for asking this intriguing question. Having an enquiring mind, I want to know the answer too! Using my amazing secrets-of-the-universe-revealing powers (which are far beyond those of mere mortal men) and applying my deductive (wacky?) mind …
Remember: Without a Laff-O-Meter available during biblical times, my response can only be subjective.
“The Comedy Concept Behind
‘Holy Laughter! Humor in the Bible’”
Ponder the platypus for a moment or two. And remember, those existed long before nuclear accidents, cigarettes, and cell phone towers.
“Divine Definitions”
The Good Confession: The one the clergy will talk about for weeks.
“Hey Dude! Hey!”
Did you know that if you say “Hey Dude! Hey!” backwards that it sounds an awful lot like “Hey Dude! Hey!”, so you never really know if it’s backwards or not. Thus, the people who don’t know if they’re coming or going end up not knowing if they’re going or coming either. Indeed, the confusion becomes so great that no one shows up at the meetings anymore, so due to a lack of funding, the whole operation shuts down.
“Stalker Almighty”
Maria hummed “Losing My Religion” as she carried her notepad to a patron in the back corner hidden behind the menu. “Have you made up your mind yet?”
The menu lowered; and Maria found herself face to Face with The One and Only. “I made up my mind before the foundation of the world.”
“You?!” Maria quivered. “Soup of the day then?”
“Across the Multiverse”
In a parallel universe, I’m married to actress Valerie Bertinelli; and we star together in a highly-acclaimed sitcom called “My Gal Val”. In that world, musician Eddie Van Halen learned to play the accordion instead of guitar.
“What If People in the Bible
Had Their Own Games?”
David wins Stratego as he defeats the Pharisees; and then Sorry! after sleeping with Bathsheba. His son Solomon keeps busy with Mastermind, Cranium, Clue, and Beach Blanket Bingo. If only to get a break from his three hundred wives and seven hundred concubines. And David’s grandson Rehoboam causes a great division among his people with Scattergories.
“May I Ask You
an Intensely Personal Question?”
What kind of question is that? Have you seen those ads? People say they’ll do the craziest things for a treat that will melt away in moments.
“Upside-Down Sharks
Prove the Existence of God”
As if His Son’s miraculous life, sacrificial death, and glorious resurrection weren’t proof enough, we can add upside-down sharks to the list of many infallible proofs of God’s existence. Yay God!
“Lessons from the Yard”
Funny how you need a million reasons to do something you should do, but only one or two excuses to do something you shouldn’t do.
Church Skit:
“Interview with Jesus”
JESUS: (Laughs heartily.) You can ask Me any question in the universe; and you want to know what My favorite color is?
PASTOR: I just wanted to see if You have a sense of humor.
JESUS: My Father and I thought Our creation of the platypus would convince everyone of that.
“For Best Results”
Please note that Jesus never told Peter, “Depart from Me, you evil, wretched worm! Flee from My holy, holy, holy presence, you sinning fishmonger!”
Jesus never said that to Peter; and I’ll tell you why. … Jesus spoke Aramaic, not English.
And, because Jesus never tells us that for best results, we need to become perfect and sinless before we can enter His holy presence. Never!
Here’s why: We can’t become perfect and sinless on our own.
“An Ice Memoir
(One Molecule Can Make a Difference)”
Not this quote, per se,
but this story, always makes me cry ...
Magnificent memories, yet here Bob shivered amidst the Tong Wars. While other cubes clung together out of fear, he hid alone to evade capture. Until one night, the Tong caught him.
“Jojo: 3:16”
God is not the maitre ‘d at a fancy restaurant. So why do we think we can bribe Him? “Maybe if I slip a few extra bucks in the offering plate, He’ll help me win the lottery. And why not? He knows I’d tithe.”
“Why Do I Want to Walk on Water?”
Where in the world is the Special Someone who will accept me and my imperfections, without clinging to the ridiculous notion that I should do the same for her?
“Life’s Most Profound Question”
What do you think is Life’s Most Profound Question? Where am I going? From whence have I come? What does whence mean?
What career should I choose? What is love? Whom should I marry? What church should I attend? How should I invest my money? What’s on TV tonight? How much is that doggy in the window? Who wrote the Book of Love? Whodunit? Who drank the last of the milk? Who ate the last cookie? What happened on the way to the forum? Who shot J. R.? Where’s Waldo? Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Where were you when this song became number one? Was it Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with a knife? Paper or plastic? Credit or debit?
We could ask a myriad of questions. Even more important ones like: Who is God? What plans does God have for my life? Which ministries should I support and serve? But, believe it or not, Life’s Most Profound Question is:
