Mitch Hedberg:
I like to play blackjack.
I’m not addicted to gambling.
I'm addicted to sittin’ in a semicircle.
I ate one anchovy;
and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
A fly was very close to being called a land,
because that’s what it does half the time.
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink.
Because it would be solid.
“Here’s a drink, Mitch; it's ice cold.”
“I guess I could lick it.”
Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer.
Yeah, I remember that day.
I opened up a yogurt.
Underneath the lid it said, “Please try again.”
Because they were having a contest that I was unaware of.
I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong.
Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me.
“Come on Mitchell, don’t give up!”
An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait.
Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
I had a job interview at an insurance company once;
and the lady said,
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I said, “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary
of you asking me this question!”
You know when a company wants to use letters
in their phone number, but often they’ll use too many letters?
“Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting.”
Too many letters, man, must I dial them all?
“Hello? Hold on, man, I’m only on ‘Enjoy’.
How did you know I was calling?
You’re good, I can see why they hired you!”
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards;
and the dude owed me $27.50.
An escalator can never break.
It can only become stairs.
You would never see
an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign,
just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs.
Sorry for the convenience.”
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem.
It’s not the photographer’s fault.
Bigfoot is blurry; and that’s extra scary to me.
There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
“Look out, he’s fuzzy! Let’s get out of here!”
I’m against picketing,
but I don’t know how to show it.
This shirt is “dry clean only”
... which means it’s dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
(February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)
